If you’re a woman (or haven’t been living under a rock), you’ve heard the catch phrase: You can have it all! So, what does that look like?
There are regional and cultural differences of course. What I’m talking about is mainstream Western definitions. ”Having it all” for the modern woman looks something like this:
1.) Loving husband that shares housework equally (or a loving husband and a housekeeper)
2.) 2 kids, one of each gender
3.) A large, two story house with a lovely garden. The inside is decorated impeccably, looking like it is straight from a catalog. The kids have the latest toys, which aren’t strewn all over the place. Their rooms are a direct expression of their personalities and tastes and are always clean. There are black and white photos of your family laughing over the mantle in the living room.
4.) Two nice cars and enough money for a hobby that requires money, like a classic car, a boat, etc.
5.) An incredibly flexible, high profile job that pays incredibly well, has full benefits, and doesn’t mind when you take days off for sick kids.
6.) A nanny that loves your kids like their her own.
7.) A family vacation each year.
8.) The ability to truly balance work and family, accomplishing all of your duties at work while being able to complete crafts, have daily outdoor activities, learning opportunities, and quiet special time your children, all while cooking gourmet meals, donating to charity, knitting for your church’s charity knitting project and hosting Bible/Women’s Torah studies once a week. At your impeccable house.
9.) You have a great sex life. Your marriage is amazing. Your kids are well-behaved. You’re in great shape because, on top of everything, you also work out for at least an hour daily.
10.) You’re not a complete basketcase.
Well well now. Feeling bad about yourself yet? You and a million other women. If we don’t meet up to these expectations, well then we’ve failed somehow. Either we’re “just” stay at home Moms or we’re corporate bitches (excuse the French) ignoring our families for “our own sake.”
Well, the media is good for one thing. Sensationalizing things and making us feel like we’re abnormal.
So, let’s face it ladies, this is a falsehood. It’s a media-driven falsehood, set up to make you feel bad. Bad enough that you’ll run yourself ragged buying things, joining things, and spending money on things that will make you look like you have it all.
But stop a minute and look at your life. And really evaluate. Think of those things that stress you out. Why do they stress you out? Is it because you’re trying to fit a square peg (you) into a round hole? I know for me, trying to be a work at home Mom was that round hole. I was so cranky and irritable trying to have a perfect house, a well behaved kid, and make money on the side. It was the working that was stressing me. But more than that, it was the fact that I was deliberately trying to fit someone else’s mold and it wasn’t even necessary (we’re blessed that, if I quit whining, we can live comfortably on my husband’s salary).
I thought of my husband, my son, my daughter that will be born in March. I thought about our home, my friends, my abilities that I never knew I had. And I realized something. That kiss from my son in the morning, that thank you when I make dinner every single night from my husband, that email that says, “You’re an amazing Mom,” I do have it all.
What do I want? Do I want my children to look back and say, “I love how Mom always let us bake challah on Fridays, even as toddlers and laughed about all the spilled flour” or “I never felt like a burden to my Mom. She respected me as a person and never looked down on me because I was small.” Or do I want them to say, “Man, my Mom was a great typist” or “My Mom put in so many hours after we went to bed. Poor Mom.”
So change your definition of having it all. My definition is having a low enough stress level to really appreciate my family, and myself, for who we are. Having a roof over our head. Being able to structure my day in my way without someone breathing down my neck. Snuggling into my husband at night. Eating chocolate before breakfast. Because I can. Being myself. Unshaven armpits, crazy curls, alabaster behind and all.
And loving every minute of it.
What’s your definition?
Cheers,
Just Like June
